I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
