I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
