I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
