He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
