you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
