These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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