I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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