I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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