Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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