Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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