My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
