life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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