I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Two words: nipple clamps
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