Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I feel like death gave me a hand job
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
