Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
