Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Randomize
