she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
