oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
