My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
