I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
