i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
