I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
