Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
