I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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