she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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