So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
