Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
