I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
How naked do you want me to be?
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