i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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