Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
