what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
