Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
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