wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
