just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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