maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
