quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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