Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
