I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I want to fling myself into the sun
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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