remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
