smell my finger.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
