What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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