This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
