I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
