I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
