whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
