It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
