he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
How's work?
Spinning.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
