So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
