I didn't shave. On purpose
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
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