Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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