it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
