went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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